Five Super Ways to Leave your Lover

Fed up in your relationship? Then consider some of these very tried and tested way to leave your lover

It’s all about the exit strategy

Run! And run fast!

Once in the far off days of my youth they used to call me ” The Bolter!” It was fashioned on the very celebrated and well known Bolter of the 1920’s and 30’s and possibly thereafter the 1940’s – Idina Sackville and in a way I felt quite smug about it. Being compared to the most famous Bolter of all time. A woman with a string of lovers and a wonderful lifestyle. Especially when a lot of it was played out against the beautiful African sunsets. Yes, I felt rather smug!

When situations got too much for me or I ” wanted out” , I would simply hitch up my skirts, scoop up my children and head for the hills. I daresay it never did me much good! So I reckon I can offer five rather different ways to leave your lover and, if you are even reading this, then whatever strategy you adopt, you know it will come one day soon. After all, if you were happily in a relationship, why would you want to read this?

Number 1 – Leave the table without a word

Always Bolt on a full stomach – who knows when your next meal will come along

I am always high on drama and emotion and I think if your other half has behaved like a bit of a Cad or a thoroughly Bad Egg then you don’t need to explain anything to anyone. Just rise quietly from the table; stand up straight; wipe your mouth rather pointedly with a napkin ( linen of course) for the last time and then turn and walk away. No speeches. No dialogue. No screaming. No drama and certainly no explanations! Just get up and walk. They will still be sitting there, slightly stunned, waiting for you to come back into the room when you are already on the interstate.

PS – Make sure you finish your dinner first. You don’t want it thrown at you and you never know when your next meal may be…. ( just saying…)

Number 2 – Introduce him to your new lover

A bleeding heart should only be in the garden – not in the restaurant

Oh yes, indeed. Long live “esprit de corps” Terribly modern and rather thoughtful. You introduce the old lover to the new lover and you all live happily ever after. Err.. well not quite, but lets say that by filling in the cuckolded Ex before any of your friends know about it, can be deemed slightly kinder than just skipping and running. Book a nice table for dinner and arrive with the new guy on your arm. Ensure, of course that your previous Lover is sitting down. No one wants a fainting episode in the restaurant as well as a bleeding heart and of course The Newbie pays for dinner. That’s given. Hopefully.

Number 3 – Write a letter

Pour your heart out and explain your angst on quality stationery and a fine ink pen. No biros today please!

This is one of the best ways out for cowards. Write a letter! Yes a real old fashioned letter on paper and then post it. Talk about your hurt and anguish; not wanting to upset him; its ” you” not ” him” and how you need to run away and find yourself wherever that may be. Try to leave the door open, just a crack, because if being on your own doesn’t work out, you may need to crawl back some day.

Nothing instant. Nothing immediate. You have time to plan your response should he chase you and pack your suitcase. Its still bolting but in a more leisurely manner. No one wants to frighten the horses, do they? By the time he has thought about his own response ( and maybe even replied in kind) you will be long gone on the 6.15 from http://Huddersfield Make sure the paper is quality vellum and the envelope contains a tissue lining. Keep it clean. Keep it neat. Keep it kind. He’s wondering already how he managed to loose such a classy bird

Number 4 – Cause a fuss

Go Public – Go big or go home

Yeah that’s right. There are times when you have to engineer a bit of a sideshow. Call upon the public to ” feel your pain” . Become a victim. Get some supporters and after you have told the World and his wife about your terrible trials, you get a round of applause and help to open the door. Its not a great way to go but for maximum ” I’m never coming back” effect, you cant get much better. Forget about having to rush home and pack, he will be there before you having packed your bags and ordered the taxi.

Better still, he may simply just chuck the clothes right out of the bedroom window. Never underestimate the power of pride. So before you start this one, make sure you really, really, really want to leave.

Number 5 – Find someone he will want to run away with

Find a woman with a ” come hither” look. Introduce them and wait for the fireworks to erupt.

Yes now here is one of my favourites and its a ” no blame!” for you. When you want to leave him but don’t want to run the scorn or extradition of friends, then put the blame on the other foot. Find someone for him to run off with or , at the very least, a dalliance. Yes, find a good looking girl is blatantly ” great after lights out!” and chase her down. Introduce her to your lover; sing her virtues ( or make them up) but simply put them in a room together and wait for the fireworks. Its rather like leaving a chicken on the table with a dog in the room. Cant fail to be tempted. Its just a variation on a theme but the end result is the same and this time you earn all the sympathy!

So there we go. Never feel you have to stay put. There is always a new road opening up ahead. A better road and if its no better then change your route and start again and again and again. Before long you will be all loved up with someone else and trying your hardest to make it work, but if not, then listen to Paul Simon. He has way more ideas than I ever could.

he has far more ideas than I do……

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